Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
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Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
🙁
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
i love meeting boys on tinder
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together