dr pepper just lost her medical license. π now she’s just ms pepper. π bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! π no. βπ dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. π unlearn your internal biases!π©ββοΈ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash βΉοΈββοΈπΆ
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oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Hairdresser: whatβll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isnβt a problem. iβm totally not upset. if anybody needs me. iβll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
In an effort to be more health conscious Iβve quit eating Reeseβs bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
This is my bus stop.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes theyβll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because Iβm:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-Iβll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.βme flirting with a chemist
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
I’m calling the cops.
DATE: Iβm just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if Iβm looking for anything in particular] *nods*
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together