The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
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Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.