Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
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If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Guy who likes music
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”