Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
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I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Guy who likes music
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!