Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
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[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
The prophecy is fulfilled
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney