French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
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I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.