commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
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Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket