I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
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The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?