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Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD