I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
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History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.