The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
You Might Also Like
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.