Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
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Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”