Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
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When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.