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Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”