These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
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Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
reminder
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky