5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
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suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
That was easy.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
welp
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.