Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
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I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Florida be like…
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.