[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
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[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Love it! 👍😂
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.