My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
You Might Also Like
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.