IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
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“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf