[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
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Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
nature’s most graceful animal
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I get distracted pretty eas