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Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Quadruple digit IQ
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Why is this me 😫
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔