Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
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The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer