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P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?