I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
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Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
me, after any kind of buffet.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
i will not be silenced
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.