Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
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how it started vs how it ended
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good