Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
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Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Cake safety first. Always.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.