sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
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Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
All is fair in drunk and war.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31