whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
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You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids