[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
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You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”