Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
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If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Holy moly
Love it! 👍😂
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
im all 3
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.