I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
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In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.