“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
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People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
#CoronaOutbreak
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Growing up was a huge mistake
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.