Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
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[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.