6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
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*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Why soy sad?
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them