Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
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3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…