8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
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young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids