My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
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Taco Bell, Exit 22
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
blocked.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Dead sexy!!
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”