ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
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Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending