its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
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Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
ACED my prostate exam!
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok