WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
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It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
(more comics:
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones