馃寭馃寧馃尀 <– lunar eclipse
馃寧馃寭馃尀 <– solar eclipse
馃寧馃尀馃寳 <– apocalypse
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Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 馃檲)
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I鈥檝e been buying men鈥檚 hoodies for years for myself. It鈥檚 all about skipping the middle man.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we鈥檝e talked about this
Me: *sighs* don鈥檛 wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can鈥檛 deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
I like it when it鈥檚 raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me: