dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
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Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.