[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
You Might Also Like
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.