I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
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them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today