Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
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I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.