Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
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I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Genius idea!!
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]