Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
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[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Sing it!
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun