therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
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Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?